threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
