I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
