I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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