Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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