I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
