3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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