I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
