I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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