There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
