You're my little dorito
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
