i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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