How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
