Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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