Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize