What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
