genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
