You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
