Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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