i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
