just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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