Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
