Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
