If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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