im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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