I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize