Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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