Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
