Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
