I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize