Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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