sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
