why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm passing your future prison.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
