if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
