I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
