Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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