They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
