I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
