just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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