Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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