Where did you get a picture of my penis
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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