I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
