I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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