go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
