woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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