I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
