She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
