I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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