what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize