he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize