If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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