my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
