Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
