So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
