I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
