Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
