Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize