There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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