Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
