I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize